I was young

I was shy and timid.

Good student may be

But social skills?

With a very minimum limit.

 

In my own little room

I used to stay enclosed

Studying for hours

And wishing not to be disclosed.

 

One window in the front

And another on my side

Looking out through these openings

Is how my days used to be bright.

 

Other kids used to gather and play

They had so many friends

I used to watch them from inside

Didn’t want to join or attend.

 

One girl from the neighborhood

Her beauty captured my eyes

My heart was easily subdued

But didn’t have the courage to try.

 

Nothing was said

No songs were written

No emotions were exposed

No drums were beaten.

 

She used to come around

And peek through my windows

Just a quick smile through which

Her sweetness used to flow.

 

No words needed to be spoken

No silence or rules needed to be broken

No notes needed to be taken

And no system or custom

Needed to be shaken.

Conversation through our eyes

Was all that was needed

To remain open

To get a feeling of

What could have happened

Had we broken the ice

And allowed our hearts to be driven

Without the fear of any

Societal interference.

 

But then she would disappear

Doing her own daily business

And leaving me with my emotions

Yanked out of their easiness.

 

Hours would be spent

Just wishing her return

And my mind would be busy

Trying to figure out and learn

Where could she be now

And doing what

As the windows of my imaginations

I would be unable to keep shut.

 

She lived just next door

Our families knew each other

The parents used to mix

So did the sisters and the brothers.

 

Except myself

Because coming close to her physically

Used to mess me up mentally

As my heart would start to melt

But my mind would become a gel

Moving from side to side

In unpredictable directions

Easy to fall apart

With any kind of external motions

Or even with minor agitations,

Forgetting the words and the surroundings

I would know I was alive

But only from the poundings

That would be happening inside my chest.

So the interaction at the best

Would be the exchange of our smiles

And that’s where usually it would rest,

As that was my only available style.

 

So taking it to the next level

Of composing myself and then to talk

I don’t remember being able

Except that I used be frozen as a rock.

 

This is how it remained

As life separated our paths

Some feelings unexpressed

And some questions unanswered.

 

Did she feel the same way

Or was it just me and my imagination?

Did she have anything to say

Or was it all nothing

But my own mental creation?

 

Obsession, Infatuation or crush?

Or whatever else it was

Survived the test of time

And didn’t disappear in a rush.

 

I wish I had the courage

But I really didn’t know how

Neither was I any certain

If the society would even allow.

 

Young mind, innocent and pure

No prior experience and not being sure

Just kept quite and was forced to endure

The outcome with no available cure.

 

After so many years

And living thousands of miles apart,

I am not sure,

Did anything even start?

But still for some reason

On occasions and at random

She keeps peeking

And even tries to sneak in.

And I am unable to subvert

Without getting any kind of alert

As she finds her way in

Through the windows of my heart.

 

Memories were written

With some inerasable ink

So that images can still be lighten

Whenever I am allowed to think.

By –

Kris Mojag

On a November night in 2021, somewhere in California.